When I started this blog, I didn't want to set a goal that stated something to the effect where I would post at least once a week. That is because I know that would never happen, and I would just end up hating myself, and in turn not posting for another week or two, and in turn hating myself more. I haven't posted for the past two weeks, and until yesterday I really didn't understand why. I knew after my last post what I wanted my next topic to be. But, the more I thought about what I wanted to write about, the more my mind spun in 500 directions.
Has that ever happened to you? Do you sit there and think about one topic and all of a sudden you are thinking 1000 other "what if's?" And, they are all negative? It's like a spiraling staircase down a mountain, and though we want to turn around and climb back up, we just sit there and wonder why it's so easy to take 10 steps down, yet so impossible to take 1 step up. After we are done thinking, we notice somehow we actually ended up even further down. I would like to think there are other people out there who know what I'm talking about.
I think we all get in funks. This time of year is good for that in the North East. Lack of sun, it's cold outside, and snow keeps us indoors. Everything outside is dull, and gray. Leaves are gone, the grass is hiding, and there are no pretty flowers to be found. We try to take advantage of the snow when it falls, blanketing the ugly roads and dirt, but that too soon either melts away or becomes part of the dreary landscape. We yearn for tropical vacations or finding our inner peace snuggled up with a colorful blanket on top of our warm couches.
Right now it's cold outside, and my mind is racing down those stairs inside. I want to be one of those people who get up at 6am, go to the gym, go food shopping, cook, clean my closet, volunteer at the animal shelter, fly to Africa, save an elephant, save a child, fly back, read a book, write a novel, paint better then Van Gogh, win the lottery, go on a date, go on another date, smile, laugh, laugh again, eat dinner, relax, and then go to bed all before 10pm. Actually, I would settle on just being able to clean my closet. That's how realistic I've become. I'm never going to end world hunger. I can't even clean my closet.
This is what I did today. I woke up with my husband telling me it was something and 2pm. I have no idea if it was 15 minutes till 2, or 2:30. In my head it's all the same. I slept too late. When this happens my day is already ruined. My very first thought. GREAT! Now I won't be able to fall asleep tonight, and therefore will be a mess tomorrow, causing me to sleep early tomorrow night, causing me to wake up too early Tuesday, so I'll be even more tired, and so on and so on. Somehow, eventually, my mind ends up thinking about the end of the world, and how the Earth exists in space, and what's beyond space, and OMG how we are really just so tiny, and time is irrelevant, because what happens after I die, I can't believe I wasted a day in my life, and how did all these years go by, and how somewhere I might just be an ant and there is a huge creature pushing me around with it's fingers. Then suddenly it's almost 4pm, even though I swear I just woke up. I'll eat something before I forget and so I'm not so hungry for dinner that I eat the elephant I never rescued. I'll do this sitting at my computer, either looking up something that I've been wondering about or playing a game. Next thing I know as I finish my yogurt, it's 5:30. I'm not really sure why it took me an hour and a half to eat a yogurt. In fact, I don't even remember getting the yogurt out of the fridge at all.
Ok so now I'm going to attempt to clean my closet. I look at it. I look at the time. I look at it. I pick up a hanger. I think about how I hate my hangers. I need more storage. I should run to the store. I can't afford that now. Where am I going to put all of these things I have to put away? My closet is where everything goes that needs to be hidden from the world. . It's the extra things, things from the kitchen, things from the past, things that I haven't put away yet, because I have to clean up the area they need to go, things that I didn't know I had, things that obviously need to be thrown out. THINGS! I can't. I need to start a project like this with a clear head. It can wait till next weekend.
Back to my blog. I'll get at least 1 thing done today. I write this. I realize this isn't even what I wanted to write about. This closet stuff just came pouring out. I wanted to write about depression, how it's ok to talk about it, and what we can do to overcome it. I realize now there is no overcoming it. I think we just need to learn how to take tiny steps to deal with it.
Oh and I should probably tell you that my actual closet is clean, well except for maybe sweeping the floor. It took me years to clean it out, and I finally did this by buying some storage boxes, and a lot of garbage bags. A lot of them.