Sunday, January 22, 2012

Goals of the Day and how not to reach them.

When I started this blog, I didn't want to set a goal that stated something to the effect where I would post at least once a week.  That is because I know that would never happen, and I would just end up hating myself, and in turn not posting for another week or two, and in turn hating myself more.  I haven't posted for the past two weeks, and until yesterday I really didn't understand why.  I knew after my last post what I wanted my next topic to be.  But, the more I thought about what I wanted to write about, the more my mind spun in 500 directions.

Has that ever happened to you? Do you sit there and think about one topic and all of a sudden you are thinking 1000 other "what if's?" And, they are all negative? It's like a spiraling staircase down a mountain, and though we want to turn around and climb back up, we just sit there and wonder why it's so easy to take 10 steps down,  yet so impossible to take 1 step up.  After we are done thinking, we notice somehow we actually ended up even further down.  I would like to think there are other people out there who know what I'm talking about. 

I think we all get in funks. This time of year is good for that in the North East.  Lack of sun, it's cold outside, and snow keeps us indoors.  Everything outside is dull, and gray.  Leaves are gone, the grass is hiding, and there are no pretty flowers to be found.  We try to take advantage of the snow when it falls, blanketing the ugly roads and dirt, but that too soon either melts away or becomes part of the dreary landscape.  We yearn for tropical vacations or finding our inner peace snuggled up with a colorful blanket on top of our warm couches.

Right now it's cold outside, and my mind is racing down those stairs inside.  I want to be one of those people who get up at 6am, go to the gym, go food shopping, cook, clean my closet, volunteer at the animal shelter, fly to Africa, save an elephant, save a child, fly back, read a book, write a novel, paint better then Van Gogh, win the lottery, go on a date, go on another date, smile, laugh, laugh again, eat dinner, relax, and then go to bed all before 10pm.  Actually, I would settle on just being able to clean my closet.  That's how realistic I've become.  I'm never going to end world hunger.  I can't even clean my closet.

This is what I did today.  I woke up with my husband telling me it was something and 2pm.  I have no idea if it was 15 minutes till 2, or 2:30.  In my head it's all the same.  I slept too late.  When this happens my day is already ruined.  My very first thought.  GREAT! Now I won't be able to fall asleep tonight, and therefore will be a mess tomorrow, causing me to sleep early tomorrow night, causing me to wake up too early Tuesday, so I'll be even more tired, and so on and so on.  Somehow, eventually, my mind ends up thinking about the end of the world, and how the Earth exists in space, and what's beyond space, and OMG how we are really just so tiny, and time is irrelevant, because what happens after I die, I can't believe I wasted a day in my life, and how did all these years go by, and how somewhere I might just be an ant and there is a huge creature pushing me around with it's fingers.   Then suddenly it's almost 4pm, even though I swear I just woke up.   I'll eat something before I forget and so I'm not so hungry for dinner that I eat the elephant I never rescued.  I'll do this sitting at my computer, either looking up something that I've been wondering about or playing a game.  Next thing I know as I finish my yogurt, it's 5:30.  I'm not really sure why it took me an hour and a half to eat a yogurt.  In fact, I don't even remember getting the yogurt out of the fridge at all. 

Ok so now I'm going to attempt to clean my closet.  I look at it. I look at the time. I look at it. I pick up a hanger.  I think about how I hate my hangers. I need more storage. I should run to the store.  I can't afford that now. Where am I going to put all of these things I have to put away? My closet is where everything goes that needs to be hidden from the world. . It's the extra things, things from the kitchen, things from the past, things that I haven't put away yet, because I have to clean up the area they need to go, things that I didn't know I had, things that obviously need to be thrown out. THINGS!  I can't.  I need to start a project like this with a clear head.  It can wait till next weekend.

Back to my blog. I'll get at least 1 thing done today. I write this. I realize this isn't even what I wanted to write about.  This closet stuff just came pouring out. I wanted to write about depression, how it's ok to talk about it, and what we can do to overcome it. I realize now there is no overcoming it. I think we just need to learn how to take tiny steps to deal with it.

Oh and I should probably tell you that my actual closet is clean, well except for maybe sweeping the floor.  It took me years to clean it out, and I finally did this by buying some storage boxes, and a lot of garbage bags. A lot of them.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Dear Sixteen year old Dana....

There is a blog out there called The Well Written Woman, and recently they asked their bloggers to write a blog to their 16 year old selves.  I think this is a fabulous idea, and while I am not very well written I think I would enjoy creating my own post and sharing with you.

Dear Sixteen year old Dana,

This time in your life is such an important key to becoming the person I am now, that I don't want to tell you too much.  I've learned to never have regrets, I love who I am, and I would never change a single thing.  Right now you are upset about your family, about friends, and about love. So I'm just going to try to cheer you up, because I know how horrible you feel at this moment.

Trust me when I tell you, that it doesn't get worse then this.  Yes, bad things will happen (that's life), but because of what you are going through right now... this defines you. It makes you strong, despite how sad and alone you feel. These are the moments that turn you into an artist. You are talented and you have so much to say.  Don't let anyone stop you (and someone will try).  Know that there are other mediums and ways to express your pain.  Screw those people who have just recently stopped talking to you.  It's not your fault that you can't hang out because your Dad had a stroke.  Family is important.  They are nothing. Years later you don't even remember their names. And, as the years go on you have many great friends!  Some stay, some some go, and some come back again. You have great times. I promise!

All of that energy that surrounds you.  You'll find it's purpose.  You are just starting to notice it right now, and you have no idea why it's there.  Trust me it grows into something challenging and exciting! I wish I could tell you what it is, but this is one thing that you will have to discover on your own.  Not knowing allows you to make your own path.

You won't believe me on this but of the three (or four) men you will love in your life you know two of them right now!  Ironically, it's your first love and your husband! Weird right?  

In April, an amazing boy will start sending you notes in class.  You love him with all your heart, and he loves you.  To you everything is perfect, and the world is a better place.  He gives you a hockey puck from a Devil's game and the story behind it makes your heart melt to this day.  He is your first love, and nothing that happened could ever take that away.  

And right now you have a class with your future husband! You sit next to him in programming and he lets you copy his programs and you enjoy modding them.  He tells you that he knows you from middle school, and that you used to sit behind him in 7th grade geography. You have no idea what he is talking about.  When he finds out about your boyfriend he talks to you much less. You don't understand, and this makes you a little sad.  He disappears for awhile. 

What you don't see is that he was there in 7th grade and he is there right now.  He'll be there when you run into him during the summer at the video store.  He'll be there when you guys work at the same place and you think he would be cute if he cut his hair!  He'll even be there when things look like they won't work out.  He was always there.  He'll always be there.  You love him.

And you love yourself.  No worries.

With Love,
Dana at Thirty-Four

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Quick Guide to Identifying Crazies

Crazy people are better then zombies. I think Hollywood is really missing out by not making more movies about crazy people. And I'm talking movies about people who really are crazy, and not just set off by cheating partners, haunted buildings, or a virus. We have all known someone in our lives who's actions merit their own feature horror or suspense novels. So come on writers out there it's time to start plugging away, so these people become entertainment, and not part of our reality.

We all have to admit there are just some people out there, who are beyond the help of therapy or medication. Unfortunately, most of us notice too late, end up making up excuses for these people, and convince ourselves that we feel bad for them.  Don't even bother to think that you don't know what I'm talking about. If you really have no idea please stop reading and rush yourself to the nearest psychiatric hospital or local writer so you can do some good instead of harm in the world. Ugh.....see there I go again feeling bad and giving you your 100th chance.  

For the rest of us, I'm writing up some rules to help spot crazies before it's too late.

Rule 1. Anyone can be a crazy. Forget the days where crazies were the only ones who actually think they are normal. While this might still apply, crazies are not stupid. They adapt and learn.  Most crazies will like most people, admit to being a little bit nuts.

Rule 2. Crazies fly solo.  Do you ever wonder why your new friend has little to no friends without a reason that makes sense to you? And yet they also seem extremely social? Crazies jump from group to group destroying friendships along the way. They can take no chances that someone will out them.  They destroy all ties with their previous circles before moving on to their next prey.

Rule 3. Crazies love to talk trash. This is a crazies number one pastime. They befriend you and jump on the chance to gossip or complain about someone else in your circle. What you don't see is that this crazy will also be talking about you behind your back.

Rule 4. Instigating, it makes others look crazy. A crazy uses the defensive properties of camouflage, and transforms it into a weapon of mass destruction. Ever fight with a friend over something stupid and not really know why? My bet is that you have a crazy hanging around.

Rule 5. My friends must be crazy, this person would never hurt me.  Darlings, this is your last sign before it's too late. If several people begin to warn you that something is off about your friend and they are worried about NOW!!!

If after reading this, and you think I wrote it about someone you may know, well then sorry to tell you but they are probably a crazy! 

Friday, January 6, 2012


A few weeks back coworker of mine mentioned in her blog how she hates when people use "lol" in chat.  At first, I did not understand why this could bother someone. Anyone who knows me, knows that all I do is laugh. I laugh at funny things, I laugh at sad things, I laugh when people yell, I laugh when I'm scared.  I laugh at everything.  To me writing "lol" is much less annoying then people who write bwahahahahaha.  Who really laughs like that? People laugh out loud, in their own way. They don't really go around saying "bwahhahaha".  And if they do, props to them. I went around for a year trying to say the word "sigh" instead of making the noise of a sigh. I was just bored and the idea came up.  Anyway well back to the topic... So I slowly started noticing that I don't really write "lol" anymore.  It feels awkward.  Out of place. I instead write "haha".  In reality I am not really going "haha" though. I have more of a giggle, and that doesn't really have a cool acronym.

Fuck acronyms. They have gotten out of control.  Do you ever read someones words and spend minutes asking yourself what the fuck FYSBIGTBABN means?  Figuring shit like that out takes more time to comprehend then the actual conversation you were having.  And now acronyms are everywhere.  They are like a disease burrowing into our heads and eating away our brains.  You can't name your project, or your band, or your child without figuring it out if the acronym work for it or not.  That can be one FUM if you ask me.

So let's chat a little about text acronyms that are actions, because IMO those are the worst offenders.

1. FML:
Those who know me, know my complaint about FML.  My car died FML.  I bought the wrong thing at the store FML.  FML I woke up late.  OMG, FML!!!  My hamburger is missing a pickle!!!!!

Because your life is so bad, and you have become so disgusted with yourself that you are telling your life to go fuck itself.  Are you dead? Living in a box? Lost everything? No.  Seriously.  A minor problem in life is not a reason to tell yourself off.   That's drama.  Funny how the people who do this are the people always asking for none.  You know what .. I change my mind. FYL.

2.  SMH:
Did you know that there are thousands of people out there who are really bobble heads?  Don't you see them bobbing their heads back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  They are so disoriented I don't even think they know why they can't stop.  It's like a working example of Newton's law of motion.  In fact, now that they can't stop bobbing, they just type "SMH" at every response even when it doesn't apply. After all, I'm sure by now they have such a headache they have to be somewhat confused, at everything, no?

3. ROFLMAO:  Damn.  I wish people would stop leaving their asses all over the place.  I'm sick of stepping on them. It's even harder when they roll around on the floor. Interestingly, some of them don't even get to that first part.  I mean if I'm going to LMAO, I think I would have more fun rolling around on the ground too!  They must not have enough energy or something. 

Ok. I'm going to admit something.  Don't laugh.  At this point I'm absolutely petrified that RME will be the next big thing.  This is because...... I do this.  ALL the time.  The worst part though. It's not only an acronym, but it's also an action.  OMG.  I feel so dirty.  TISNC.


Monday, January 2, 2012

Just because it's a new year doesn't mean it's magically better.

Happy 2012!

So  it's the 2nd day of 2012 and how many of you have already failed at your resolution or are convincing yourself it should start tomorrow? And if not then the day after? Hell, you really do have all year.

I'm not sure exactly why it is that we think at the start of every new year that suddenly this year will be different.  We will get to the gym,  we will eat right, we will we will have less drama in our lives, we will get a better job, we will become rich, etc.   It's as if at exactly the time of the ball drop, our fairy godmother's came down and blessed us all with magical powers to do the same thing that we wished for last year, and the year before, and the year before that one, and so on and so on. 

Here's a little hint.  Don't make your resolution something that will never happen if you aren't willing to put a little effort into it.  In fact if you really want your resolution to stick and you already know you have absolutely no motivation, well then downsize it.  Instead of saying you want to go to the gym at least 5 times a week,  say you want to go at least once.  Once is still a start and WAY more realistic then 5.  You will feel good on the weeks you go more then once, and not have to get all depressed that you didn't go 5 so you stop going because in your head you already blew it.  Same thing with basically anything.  Small steps are much easier to climb then large ones.  And once you've climbed a few small steps, you will be filled with all sorts of encouragement, I promise. Want to remove a few fake people from your life, start with just one.  If it's just one person causing drama,  slowly remove your interaction with them.  Want a new job? Take some time to figure out what makes you happy and then just put yourself out there.  Want to be rich? Don't we all?!

Now, I know there are a few of you out there that will say things like "I just want 2012 to be a better year then 2011".  Well, same thing.  That's totally up to you.  See, bad things happen.  To everyone.  That is life. You are born, good things happen, bad things happen, you die.  If bad things never happened you wouldn't know what it's like to enjoy the good things out there.  You wouldn't appreciate anything.  So yes there are things that happen in life that are out of our control, but, you can 100% control the way you react to them.  And that reaction is what either brings our own good things or bad things upon ourselves.  Don't go asking for more sadness or hurt.  We all need to make smart choices in the way we react to things. 

YOU need to make it happen, not a magical day.

Oh, and by the way, me personally this is my resolution: To be happy! - Made possible by the small things =)