Sunday, June 3, 2012

1 month and 6 Days until...

I started this blog as a way to say the things out loud, that either aren't socially acceptable, or I just needed to say and didn't have the ears to listen.  It's been 6 months, and though the past few have been wordless on here, they haven't been uneventful in my real life. I think I just didn't how to start.

People often complain when someone posts too many comments about dieting and/or exercise.  I for one support the people who post things like that.  Maybe it's because I understand how hard it is to diet and exercise.  How hard it is to watch your skinny friends eat something that is more then 100 calories and not gain a lb. Some people are lucky.  And good for them! Not everyone is.

I also understand how hard it is to watch my friends workout, post about it and in a month or two they are super thin.  I've struggled my whole life with diet and exercise.  I log onto FB and see that I've exercised and eaten so much less then them, and I still can't lose more then 12lbs.  Honestly, it's depressing, and I'm not a depressed person.  I've been overweight my entire life, with my first diet being in 4th grade.  It's been years and years of doing one thing or another.  I join Weight Watchers to end up feeling like the only person who has ever gained weight on it.  I walk 10 miles every day, or do zumba and the treadmill in the same day.  My BodyBugg shows that I'm eating less calories then I'm burning.  But still, I gain a lb.  It's not muscle, and it's not water.  It's a 1lb closer to going up a dress size, and it sucks.   I've sat in group diet therapy sessions where you go around in a circle and talk about eating things for the sake of eating.  There are women who hate themselves so much that they go and eat a bag of Cheetos. They eat things even if they don't like what they are eating.  It was obvious to me, I wasn't like that, and my therapist told me I wasn't getting it because I must be eating without knowing it.  Yeah.. um... no.  I won't eat something if I don't like it. That got me kicked out of therapy.

Through this, I've always tried to not let it get to me.  I'm happy with myself.  It started in my college years when I forced myself to look in the mirror every day and say "I love who I am".  I seriously did that.  And it seriously worked.  I do love me.  Ok, yes there are days that I don't feel comfortable with myself, but everyone has those regardless of what you weigh.  My weight has never made me depressed.  I've always been social and I've never had a problem meeting guys. Do I know people say things about it.  Yep.  But, they aren't me, and I don't care about that. I'm happy with who I am. 

So now all these years later.  Sigh.... Some of you know I have PCOS (you can go look that up), and to make a long story short,  I don't ovulate normally, or really ever.  It took 10 years to ovulate.  No ovulation, no children.  I can write a whole other blog on my PCOS story, and it's really hard not to talk about it right now, but in a few words I guess it comes down to I want kids, but try to convince myself it's ok if I can't have them.  Convince being the key word.  That's a hard thing to do.  PCOS makes it very easy to gain weight and very hard to lose it.  And the more you weigh with PCOS, the more likely you are to not ovulate.  It has to do with blood sugar, insulin, and making the right hormones.   Have I been to a fertility Dr.  Yes.  But, at the point I'm at now, it's pointless because I would just gain too much weight and risk hurting myself and a baby.

So after the past year of really trying to give it my all, and not getting anywhere.. I'm having weight loss surgery.  I'll be having what's called Gastric Sleeve surgery, and it's different then Lap Band or the Gastric Bypass. I'm sure I'll talk about it all in another blog, but for now this one is pretty long.

Here's counting down to July 9th!

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