Sunday, June 10, 2012

On cleaning out my closet and not being drunk.

I am certainly not organized. I live for clutter.  Put my belongings in cute containers and it will take me years to find them.  Put my stuff in a pile somewhere and I'll find it in a hot minute.  I may "lose" things more often this way, but I always find them.  Now that you know this about me, let me tell you I have a walk in closet and a dresser with deep drawers.  I love myself some awesome accessories (I cannot be seen without some sort of necklace and a handbag) so those take priority in my attempt to organize.  After that I have what I refer to as my fall/winter collection, and my spring/summer line.  Twice a year, I remove the contents of my closet and drawers, and place them into plastic bins. I then take all the current season items and place them into said closet and drawers.  I always leave at least 1 off season outfit for that crazy warm or cold day.  These might be the only 2 days a year that I am this organized.

Yesterday, was the day I chose to swap out my collection.  While I do throw out things that I no longer wear, I decided yesterday I needed a pretty big purge.  As of right now I'm in between sizes,  so with the upcoming weight loss surgery, I decided to create a donation bag and I tossed in everything that was the largest size, that I didn't really like, and 1 or two things that I loved just to keep me motivated.  Then in the tubs I placed the rest of my fall/winter wardrobe thinking that the winter items would be way too big for me by the time winter came, and that the fall stuff would be supper baggy.  I realized for the first time that instead of worrying if the clothes would fit me next season because I had gained weight, this was the first time I worried about spending money on clothes because these were too big.  And, on top of that I worried that what clothes I did have to buy, wouldn't fit for very long, and would certainly not make it to the following season.  Then I realized I wasn't worried... I was excited! So off goes my bag of clothes to donate, and away goes my tub of clothes to donate at a later time.   I can't wait to start buying new things!  I have no idea what size I will be in anything, so I can't start shopping yet.  That is driving me a little nuts, but it's OK.  It's making the days go faster having that to look forward to!

So while the afternoon hours of yesterday went smashingly, the evening was something I was dreading. 1 month before the surgery and until 1 month after I cannot have alcohol.  After that I can never have a beer or soda (no carbonation), and I need to stay away from anything fruity like mixes with a ton of sugar or fruit juice. And let's not forget my new stomach will only hold 4oz. That is not a lot of volume, and from what I hear, alcohol hits you much harder and faster.  Now I'll be a super cheap date!  So now yesterday was Day 1 of no alcohol, and what happens..... I get an invite to stop by a local bar for a friend's Birthday.  Wow.. really? Why does life like to test us from the minute one?  The meet up time was 10:30 P.M., and I went back and forth all day about going.  While I felt that I would be strong enough not to drink, I felt that I would end up feeling awkward, having to answer questions about why I wasn't drinking,  and having to be around a group of people having a good drunk time, and I wouldn't feel part of the group. As of 10pm I was still on the fence about going.  Then for whatever reason a few minutes later, I felt as if I needed to be there.  So I got up from my computer, pulled my hair back, put my bangs in a victory roll, and decided I wasn't going.  I continued playing with the victory roll that was looking more and more like a flop instead of a roll, teased it up one more time, pinned it and said to myself that I should go. This go/no-go pattern continued through my makeup, and 3 different outfits.  Finally at sometime a little after 11, a victory roll, some purple eye shadow, and a skirt later I was on my way out the door. 

I had 2 iced teas with lemon, turned down an offer to taste a tanqueray and tonic after mentioning I always wanted to taste one, 1 more iced tea, and not a sip of alcohol all night.  I was in pictures, laughed amongst friends, and after the 2nd time I answered that I wasn't drinking, I laughingly corrected that thoughts that I was indeed not pregnant and I did not have a DWI. And because it is so much easier to discuss this on the Internet, I said out loud, to people I know and don't really know that well, that I was having weight loss surgery to help out an infertility issue.  I didn't go into a lot of details, and I didn't really need to.  Everyone was super supportive. 

So with less the a month to go, the first day of the hurdle was a success! I ended up with 3 iced teas, good conversation, and a fun time.  The cost = $0.00 (no charge for the iced tea), some clothes that I will no longer fit into, the future cost of buying new clothes,  the lack of a hangover, and the elimination of stress that comes with keeping this all to myself. 

Next hurdle: June 25th - The 2 week pre-op diet.  Nothing but protein shakes and 1 small meal, with NO chance of cheating because my surgery won't go well if I do.  Frightening.

Till next time! xoxoxo,

Sunday, June 3, 2012

1 month and 6 Days until...

I started this blog as a way to say the things out loud, that either aren't socially acceptable, or I just needed to say and didn't have the ears to listen.  It's been 6 months, and though the past few have been wordless on here, they haven't been uneventful in my real life. I think I just didn't how to start.

People often complain when someone posts too many comments about dieting and/or exercise.  I for one support the people who post things like that.  Maybe it's because I understand how hard it is to diet and exercise.  How hard it is to watch your skinny friends eat something that is more then 100 calories and not gain a lb. Some people are lucky.  And good for them! Not everyone is.

I also understand how hard it is to watch my friends workout, post about it and in a month or two they are super thin.  I've struggled my whole life with diet and exercise.  I log onto FB and see that I've exercised and eaten so much less then them, and I still can't lose more then 12lbs.  Honestly, it's depressing, and I'm not a depressed person.  I've been overweight my entire life, with my first diet being in 4th grade.  It's been years and years of doing one thing or another.  I join Weight Watchers to end up feeling like the only person who has ever gained weight on it.  I walk 10 miles every day, or do zumba and the treadmill in the same day.  My BodyBugg shows that I'm eating less calories then I'm burning.  But still, I gain a lb.  It's not muscle, and it's not water.  It's a 1lb closer to going up a dress size, and it sucks.   I've sat in group diet therapy sessions where you go around in a circle and talk about eating things for the sake of eating.  There are women who hate themselves so much that they go and eat a bag of Cheetos. They eat things even if they don't like what they are eating.  It was obvious to me, I wasn't like that, and my therapist told me I wasn't getting it because I must be eating without knowing it.  Yeah.. um... no.  I won't eat something if I don't like it. That got me kicked out of therapy.

Through this, I've always tried to not let it get to me.  I'm happy with myself.  It started in my college years when I forced myself to look in the mirror every day and say "I love who I am".  I seriously did that.  And it seriously worked.  I do love me.  Ok, yes there are days that I don't feel comfortable with myself, but everyone has those regardless of what you weigh.  My weight has never made me depressed.  I've always been social and I've never had a problem meeting guys. Do I know people say things about it.  Yep.  But, they aren't me, and I don't care about that. I'm happy with who I am. 

So now all these years later.  Sigh.... Some of you know I have PCOS (you can go look that up), and to make a long story short,  I don't ovulate normally, or really ever.  It took 10 years to ovulate.  No ovulation, no children.  I can write a whole other blog on my PCOS story, and it's really hard not to talk about it right now, but in a few words I guess it comes down to I want kids, but try to convince myself it's ok if I can't have them.  Convince being the key word.  That's a hard thing to do.  PCOS makes it very easy to gain weight and very hard to lose it.  And the more you weigh with PCOS, the more likely you are to not ovulate.  It has to do with blood sugar, insulin, and making the right hormones.   Have I been to a fertility Dr.  Yes.  But, at the point I'm at now, it's pointless because I would just gain too much weight and risk hurting myself and a baby.

So after the past year of really trying to give it my all, and not getting anywhere.. I'm having weight loss surgery.  I'll be having what's called Gastric Sleeve surgery, and it's different then Lap Band or the Gastric Bypass. I'm sure I'll talk about it all in another blog, but for now this one is pretty long.

Here's counting down to July 9th!