Sunday, June 10, 2012

On cleaning out my closet and not being drunk.

I am certainly not organized. I live for clutter.  Put my belongings in cute containers and it will take me years to find them.  Put my stuff in a pile somewhere and I'll find it in a hot minute.  I may "lose" things more often this way, but I always find them.  Now that you know this about me, let me tell you I have a walk in closet and a dresser with deep drawers.  I love myself some awesome accessories (I cannot be seen without some sort of necklace and a handbag) so those take priority in my attempt to organize.  After that I have what I refer to as my fall/winter collection, and my spring/summer line.  Twice a year, I remove the contents of my closet and drawers, and place them into plastic bins. I then take all the current season items and place them into said closet and drawers.  I always leave at least 1 off season outfit for that crazy warm or cold day.  These might be the only 2 days a year that I am this organized.

Yesterday, was the day I chose to swap out my collection.  While I do throw out things that I no longer wear, I decided yesterday I needed a pretty big purge.  As of right now I'm in between sizes,  so with the upcoming weight loss surgery, I decided to create a donation bag and I tossed in everything that was the largest size, that I didn't really like, and 1 or two things that I loved just to keep me motivated.  Then in the tubs I placed the rest of my fall/winter wardrobe thinking that the winter items would be way too big for me by the time winter came, and that the fall stuff would be supper baggy.  I realized for the first time that instead of worrying if the clothes would fit me next season because I had gained weight, this was the first time I worried about spending money on clothes because these were too big.  And, on top of that I worried that what clothes I did have to buy, wouldn't fit for very long, and would certainly not make it to the following season.  Then I realized I wasn't worried... I was excited! So off goes my bag of clothes to donate, and away goes my tub of clothes to donate at a later time.   I can't wait to start buying new things!  I have no idea what size I will be in anything, so I can't start shopping yet.  That is driving me a little nuts, but it's OK.  It's making the days go faster having that to look forward to!

So while the afternoon hours of yesterday went smashingly, the evening was something I was dreading. 1 month before the surgery and until 1 month after I cannot have alcohol.  After that I can never have a beer or soda (no carbonation), and I need to stay away from anything fruity like mixes with a ton of sugar or fruit juice. And let's not forget my new stomach will only hold 4oz. That is not a lot of volume, and from what I hear, alcohol hits you much harder and faster.  Now I'll be a super cheap date!  So now yesterday was Day 1 of no alcohol, and what happens..... I get an invite to stop by a local bar for a friend's Birthday.  Wow.. really? Why does life like to test us from the minute one?  The meet up time was 10:30 P.M., and I went back and forth all day about going.  While I felt that I would be strong enough not to drink, I felt that I would end up feeling awkward, having to answer questions about why I wasn't drinking,  and having to be around a group of people having a good drunk time, and I wouldn't feel part of the group. As of 10pm I was still on the fence about going.  Then for whatever reason a few minutes later, I felt as if I needed to be there.  So I got up from my computer, pulled my hair back, put my bangs in a victory roll, and decided I wasn't going.  I continued playing with the victory roll that was looking more and more like a flop instead of a roll, teased it up one more time, pinned it and said to myself that I should go. This go/no-go pattern continued through my makeup, and 3 different outfits.  Finally at sometime a little after 11, a victory roll, some purple eye shadow, and a skirt later I was on my way out the door. 

I had 2 iced teas with lemon, turned down an offer to taste a tanqueray and tonic after mentioning I always wanted to taste one, 1 more iced tea, and not a sip of alcohol all night.  I was in pictures, laughed amongst friends, and after the 2nd time I answered that I wasn't drinking, I laughingly corrected that thoughts that I was indeed not pregnant and I did not have a DWI. And because it is so much easier to discuss this on the Internet, I said out loud, to people I know and don't really know that well, that I was having weight loss surgery to help out an infertility issue.  I didn't go into a lot of details, and I didn't really need to.  Everyone was super supportive. 

So with less the a month to go, the first day of the hurdle was a success! I ended up with 3 iced teas, good conversation, and a fun time.  The cost = $0.00 (no charge for the iced tea), some clothes that I will no longer fit into, the future cost of buying new clothes,  the lack of a hangover, and the elimination of stress that comes with keeping this all to myself. 

Next hurdle: June 25th - The 2 week pre-op diet.  Nothing but protein shakes and 1 small meal, with NO chance of cheating because my surgery won't go well if I do.  Frightening.

Till next time! xoxoxo,

Sunday, June 3, 2012

1 month and 6 Days until...

I started this blog as a way to say the things out loud, that either aren't socially acceptable, or I just needed to say and didn't have the ears to listen.  It's been 6 months, and though the past few have been wordless on here, they haven't been uneventful in my real life. I think I just didn't how to start.

People often complain when someone posts too many comments about dieting and/or exercise.  I for one support the people who post things like that.  Maybe it's because I understand how hard it is to diet and exercise.  How hard it is to watch your skinny friends eat something that is more then 100 calories and not gain a lb. Some people are lucky.  And good for them! Not everyone is.

I also understand how hard it is to watch my friends workout, post about it and in a month or two they are super thin.  I've struggled my whole life with diet and exercise.  I log onto FB and see that I've exercised and eaten so much less then them, and I still can't lose more then 12lbs.  Honestly, it's depressing, and I'm not a depressed person.  I've been overweight my entire life, with my first diet being in 4th grade.  It's been years and years of doing one thing or another.  I join Weight Watchers to end up feeling like the only person who has ever gained weight on it.  I walk 10 miles every day, or do zumba and the treadmill in the same day.  My BodyBugg shows that I'm eating less calories then I'm burning.  But still, I gain a lb.  It's not muscle, and it's not water.  It's a 1lb closer to going up a dress size, and it sucks.   I've sat in group diet therapy sessions where you go around in a circle and talk about eating things for the sake of eating.  There are women who hate themselves so much that they go and eat a bag of Cheetos. They eat things even if they don't like what they are eating.  It was obvious to me, I wasn't like that, and my therapist told me I wasn't getting it because I must be eating without knowing it.  Yeah.. um... no.  I won't eat something if I don't like it. That got me kicked out of therapy.

Through this, I've always tried to not let it get to me.  I'm happy with myself.  It started in my college years when I forced myself to look in the mirror every day and say "I love who I am".  I seriously did that.  And it seriously worked.  I do love me.  Ok, yes there are days that I don't feel comfortable with myself, but everyone has those regardless of what you weigh.  My weight has never made me depressed.  I've always been social and I've never had a problem meeting guys. Do I know people say things about it.  Yep.  But, they aren't me, and I don't care about that. I'm happy with who I am. 

So now all these years later.  Sigh.... Some of you know I have PCOS (you can go look that up), and to make a long story short,  I don't ovulate normally, or really ever.  It took 10 years to ovulate.  No ovulation, no children.  I can write a whole other blog on my PCOS story, and it's really hard not to talk about it right now, but in a few words I guess it comes down to I want kids, but try to convince myself it's ok if I can't have them.  Convince being the key word.  That's a hard thing to do.  PCOS makes it very easy to gain weight and very hard to lose it.  And the more you weigh with PCOS, the more likely you are to not ovulate.  It has to do with blood sugar, insulin, and making the right hormones.   Have I been to a fertility Dr.  Yes.  But, at the point I'm at now, it's pointless because I would just gain too much weight and risk hurting myself and a baby.

So after the past year of really trying to give it my all, and not getting anywhere.. I'm having weight loss surgery.  I'll be having what's called Gastric Sleeve surgery, and it's different then Lap Band or the Gastric Bypass. I'm sure I'll talk about it all in another blog, but for now this one is pretty long.

Here's counting down to July 9th!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Goals of the Day and how not to reach them.

When I started this blog, I didn't want to set a goal that stated something to the effect where I would post at least once a week.  That is because I know that would never happen, and I would just end up hating myself, and in turn not posting for another week or two, and in turn hating myself more.  I haven't posted for the past two weeks, and until yesterday I really didn't understand why.  I knew after my last post what I wanted my next topic to be.  But, the more I thought about what I wanted to write about, the more my mind spun in 500 directions.

Has that ever happened to you? Do you sit there and think about one topic and all of a sudden you are thinking 1000 other "what if's?" And, they are all negative? It's like a spiraling staircase down a mountain, and though we want to turn around and climb back up, we just sit there and wonder why it's so easy to take 10 steps down,  yet so impossible to take 1 step up.  After we are done thinking, we notice somehow we actually ended up even further down.  I would like to think there are other people out there who know what I'm talking about. 

I think we all get in funks. This time of year is good for that in the North East.  Lack of sun, it's cold outside, and snow keeps us indoors.  Everything outside is dull, and gray.  Leaves are gone, the grass is hiding, and there are no pretty flowers to be found.  We try to take advantage of the snow when it falls, blanketing the ugly roads and dirt, but that too soon either melts away or becomes part of the dreary landscape.  We yearn for tropical vacations or finding our inner peace snuggled up with a colorful blanket on top of our warm couches.

Right now it's cold outside, and my mind is racing down those stairs inside.  I want to be one of those people who get up at 6am, go to the gym, go food shopping, cook, clean my closet, volunteer at the animal shelter, fly to Africa, save an elephant, save a child, fly back, read a book, write a novel, paint better then Van Gogh, win the lottery, go on a date, go on another date, smile, laugh, laugh again, eat dinner, relax, and then go to bed all before 10pm.  Actually, I would settle on just being able to clean my closet.  That's how realistic I've become.  I'm never going to end world hunger.  I can't even clean my closet.

This is what I did today.  I woke up with my husband telling me it was something and 2pm.  I have no idea if it was 15 minutes till 2, or 2:30.  In my head it's all the same.  I slept too late.  When this happens my day is already ruined.  My very first thought.  GREAT! Now I won't be able to fall asleep tonight, and therefore will be a mess tomorrow, causing me to sleep early tomorrow night, causing me to wake up too early Tuesday, so I'll be even more tired, and so on and so on.  Somehow, eventually, my mind ends up thinking about the end of the world, and how the Earth exists in space, and what's beyond space, and OMG how we are really just so tiny, and time is irrelevant, because what happens after I die, I can't believe I wasted a day in my life, and how did all these years go by, and how somewhere I might just be an ant and there is a huge creature pushing me around with it's fingers.   Then suddenly it's almost 4pm, even though I swear I just woke up.   I'll eat something before I forget and so I'm not so hungry for dinner that I eat the elephant I never rescued.  I'll do this sitting at my computer, either looking up something that I've been wondering about or playing a game.  Next thing I know as I finish my yogurt, it's 5:30.  I'm not really sure why it took me an hour and a half to eat a yogurt.  In fact, I don't even remember getting the yogurt out of the fridge at all. 

Ok so now I'm going to attempt to clean my closet.  I look at it. I look at the time. I look at it. I pick up a hanger.  I think about how I hate my hangers. I need more storage. I should run to the store.  I can't afford that now. Where am I going to put all of these things I have to put away? My closet is where everything goes that needs to be hidden from the world. . It's the extra things, things from the kitchen, things from the past, things that I haven't put away yet, because I have to clean up the area they need to go, things that I didn't know I had, things that obviously need to be thrown out. THINGS!  I can't.  I need to start a project like this with a clear head.  It can wait till next weekend.

Back to my blog. I'll get at least 1 thing done today. I write this. I realize this isn't even what I wanted to write about.  This closet stuff just came pouring out. I wanted to write about depression, how it's ok to talk about it, and what we can do to overcome it. I realize now there is no overcoming it. I think we just need to learn how to take tiny steps to deal with it.

Oh and I should probably tell you that my actual closet is clean, well except for maybe sweeping the floor.  It took me years to clean it out, and I finally did this by buying some storage boxes, and a lot of garbage bags. A lot of them.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Dear Sixteen year old Dana....

There is a blog out there called The Well Written Woman, and recently they asked their bloggers to write a blog to their 16 year old selves.  I think this is a fabulous idea, and while I am not very well written I think I would enjoy creating my own post and sharing with you.

Dear Sixteen year old Dana,

This time in your life is such an important key to becoming the person I am now, that I don't want to tell you too much.  I've learned to never have regrets, I love who I am, and I would never change a single thing.  Right now you are upset about your family, about friends, and about love. So I'm just going to try to cheer you up, because I know how horrible you feel at this moment.

Trust me when I tell you, that it doesn't get worse then this.  Yes, bad things will happen (that's life), but because of what you are going through right now... this defines you. It makes you strong, despite how sad and alone you feel. These are the moments that turn you into an artist. You are talented and you have so much to say.  Don't let anyone stop you (and someone will try).  Know that there are other mediums and ways to express your pain.  Screw those people who have just recently stopped talking to you.  It's not your fault that you can't hang out because your Dad had a stroke.  Family is important.  They are nothing. Years later you don't even remember their names. And, as the years go on you have many great friends!  Some stay, some some go, and some come back again. You have great times. I promise!

All of that energy that surrounds you.  You'll find it's purpose.  You are just starting to notice it right now, and you have no idea why it's there.  Trust me it grows into something challenging and exciting! I wish I could tell you what it is, but this is one thing that you will have to discover on your own.  Not knowing allows you to make your own path.

You won't believe me on this but of the three (or four) men you will love in your life you know two of them right now!  Ironically, it's your first love and your husband! Weird right?  

In April, an amazing boy will start sending you notes in class.  You love him with all your heart, and he loves you.  To you everything is perfect, and the world is a better place.  He gives you a hockey puck from a Devil's game and the story behind it makes your heart melt to this day.  He is your first love, and nothing that happened could ever take that away.  

And right now you have a class with your future husband! You sit next to him in programming and he lets you copy his programs and you enjoy modding them.  He tells you that he knows you from middle school, and that you used to sit behind him in 7th grade geography. You have no idea what he is talking about.  When he finds out about your boyfriend he talks to you much less. You don't understand, and this makes you a little sad.  He disappears for awhile. 

What you don't see is that he was there in 7th grade and he is there right now.  He'll be there when you run into him during the summer at the video store.  He'll be there when you guys work at the same place and you think he would be cute if he cut his hair!  He'll even be there when things look like they won't work out.  He was always there.  He'll always be there.  You love him.

And you love yourself.  No worries.

With Love,
Dana at Thirty-Four

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Quick Guide to Identifying Crazies

Crazy people are better then zombies. I think Hollywood is really missing out by not making more movies about crazy people. And I'm talking movies about people who really are crazy, and not just set off by cheating partners, haunted buildings, or a virus. We have all known someone in our lives who's actions merit their own feature horror or suspense novels. So come on writers out there it's time to start plugging away, so these people become entertainment, and not part of our reality.

We all have to admit there are just some people out there, who are beyond the help of therapy or medication. Unfortunately, most of us notice too late, end up making up excuses for these people, and convince ourselves that we feel bad for them.  Don't even bother to think that you don't know what I'm talking about. If you really have no idea please stop reading and rush yourself to the nearest psychiatric hospital or local writer so you can do some good instead of harm in the world. Ugh.....see there I go again feeling bad and giving you your 100th chance.  

For the rest of us, I'm writing up some rules to help spot crazies before it's too late.

Rule 1. Anyone can be a crazy. Forget the days where crazies were the only ones who actually think they are normal. While this might still apply, crazies are not stupid. They adapt and learn.  Most crazies will like most people, admit to being a little bit nuts.

Rule 2. Crazies fly solo.  Do you ever wonder why your new friend has little to no friends without a reason that makes sense to you? And yet they also seem extremely social? Crazies jump from group to group destroying friendships along the way. They can take no chances that someone will out them.  They destroy all ties with their previous circles before moving on to their next prey.

Rule 3. Crazies love to talk trash. This is a crazies number one pastime. They befriend you and jump on the chance to gossip or complain about someone else in your circle. What you don't see is that this crazy will also be talking about you behind your back.

Rule 4. Instigating, it makes others look crazy. A crazy uses the defensive properties of camouflage, and transforms it into a weapon of mass destruction. Ever fight with a friend over something stupid and not really know why? My bet is that you have a crazy hanging around.

Rule 5. My friends must be crazy, this person would never hurt me.  Darlings, this is your last sign before it's too late. If several people begin to warn you that something is off about your friend and they are worried about NOW!!!

If after reading this, and you think I wrote it about someone you may know, well then sorry to tell you but they are probably a crazy! 

Friday, January 6, 2012


A few weeks back coworker of mine mentioned in her blog how she hates when people use "lol" in chat.  At first, I did not understand why this could bother someone. Anyone who knows me, knows that all I do is laugh. I laugh at funny things, I laugh at sad things, I laugh when people yell, I laugh when I'm scared.  I laugh at everything.  To me writing "lol" is much less annoying then people who write bwahahahahaha.  Who really laughs like that? People laugh out loud, in their own way. They don't really go around saying "bwahhahaha".  And if they do, props to them. I went around for a year trying to say the word "sigh" instead of making the noise of a sigh. I was just bored and the idea came up.  Anyway well back to the topic... So I slowly started noticing that I don't really write "lol" anymore.  It feels awkward.  Out of place. I instead write "haha".  In reality I am not really going "haha" though. I have more of a giggle, and that doesn't really have a cool acronym.

Fuck acronyms. They have gotten out of control.  Do you ever read someones words and spend minutes asking yourself what the fuck FYSBIGTBABN means?  Figuring shit like that out takes more time to comprehend then the actual conversation you were having.  And now acronyms are everywhere.  They are like a disease burrowing into our heads and eating away our brains.  You can't name your project, or your band, or your child without figuring it out if the acronym work for it or not.  That can be one FUM if you ask me.

So let's chat a little about text acronyms that are actions, because IMO those are the worst offenders.

1. FML:
Those who know me, know my complaint about FML.  My car died FML.  I bought the wrong thing at the store FML.  FML I woke up late.  OMG, FML!!!  My hamburger is missing a pickle!!!!!

Because your life is so bad, and you have become so disgusted with yourself that you are telling your life to go fuck itself.  Are you dead? Living in a box? Lost everything? No.  Seriously.  A minor problem in life is not a reason to tell yourself off.   That's drama.  Funny how the people who do this are the people always asking for none.  You know what .. I change my mind. FYL.

2.  SMH:
Did you know that there are thousands of people out there who are really bobble heads?  Don't you see them bobbing their heads back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  They are so disoriented I don't even think they know why they can't stop.  It's like a working example of Newton's law of motion.  In fact, now that they can't stop bobbing, they just type "SMH" at every response even when it doesn't apply. After all, I'm sure by now they have such a headache they have to be somewhat confused, at everything, no?

3. ROFLMAO:  Damn.  I wish people would stop leaving their asses all over the place.  I'm sick of stepping on them. It's even harder when they roll around on the floor. Interestingly, some of them don't even get to that first part.  I mean if I'm going to LMAO, I think I would have more fun rolling around on the ground too!  They must not have enough energy or something. 

Ok. I'm going to admit something.  Don't laugh.  At this point I'm absolutely petrified that RME will be the next big thing.  This is because...... I do this.  ALL the time.  The worst part though. It's not only an acronym, but it's also an action.  OMG.  I feel so dirty.  TISNC.


Monday, January 2, 2012

Just because it's a new year doesn't mean it's magically better.

Happy 2012!

So  it's the 2nd day of 2012 and how many of you have already failed at your resolution or are convincing yourself it should start tomorrow? And if not then the day after? Hell, you really do have all year.

I'm not sure exactly why it is that we think at the start of every new year that suddenly this year will be different.  We will get to the gym,  we will eat right, we will we will have less drama in our lives, we will get a better job, we will become rich, etc.   It's as if at exactly the time of the ball drop, our fairy godmother's came down and blessed us all with magical powers to do the same thing that we wished for last year, and the year before, and the year before that one, and so on and so on. 

Here's a little hint.  Don't make your resolution something that will never happen if you aren't willing to put a little effort into it.  In fact if you really want your resolution to stick and you already know you have absolutely no motivation, well then downsize it.  Instead of saying you want to go to the gym at least 5 times a week,  say you want to go at least once.  Once is still a start and WAY more realistic then 5.  You will feel good on the weeks you go more then once, and not have to get all depressed that you didn't go 5 so you stop going because in your head you already blew it.  Same thing with basically anything.  Small steps are much easier to climb then large ones.  And once you've climbed a few small steps, you will be filled with all sorts of encouragement, I promise. Want to remove a few fake people from your life, start with just one.  If it's just one person causing drama,  slowly remove your interaction with them.  Want a new job? Take some time to figure out what makes you happy and then just put yourself out there.  Want to be rich? Don't we all?!

Now, I know there are a few of you out there that will say things like "I just want 2012 to be a better year then 2011".  Well, same thing.  That's totally up to you.  See, bad things happen.  To everyone.  That is life. You are born, good things happen, bad things happen, you die.  If bad things never happened you wouldn't know what it's like to enjoy the good things out there.  You wouldn't appreciate anything.  So yes there are things that happen in life that are out of our control, but, you can 100% control the way you react to them.  And that reaction is what either brings our own good things or bad things upon ourselves.  Don't go asking for more sadness or hurt.  We all need to make smart choices in the way we react to things. 

YOU need to make it happen, not a magical day.

Oh, and by the way, me personally this is my resolution: To be happy! - Made possible by the small things =)